


As long as I can call you by my name

by lovingwriter



Series: Cor cordium [1]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sort of? - Freeform, Surrogacy, fears, talking things through, they have their first real fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 00:55:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14683122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovingwriter/pseuds/lovingwriter
Summary: He is freaking out. Like, literally and actually freaking out. They’re at the small and crowded waiting room with Oliver and their surrogate, Oliver’s sister Tracy. Tracy is four years younger than Oliver, yet they still have a great bond, which Elio can’t understand as being the only child of their little family. She has the same eyes as Oliver, loving and caring. She rests her hand on her tiny baby bump, wincing a little when changing position.or, Elio and Oliver are having their first baby and some fears and insecurities come out when they have their first real fight.





	As long as I can call you by my name

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, this is my first Elio/Oliver work, and for a note english is not my first language. I obviously love these two, but I live for angst with a happy endings :') 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes! Hope you'll enjoy!

Elio closes the book with a little _thumpf_ and sighs. How in the hell does one prepare for becoming a parent? There’s so _much_ to remember. Like all the different kinds of cries. How can he know if the baby is hungry or just fussy? What if he misunderstands the baby’s needs, and the baby suffers? And how the hell can he know when the milk is just warm enough but not too hot?

Elio sighs again, deeper this time, and stands up. He cracks his back, instantly hearing Oliver’s scolding voice. _You shouldn’t sit like that, it’s bad for your muscles and_ _joints_ _._ Sometimes he regrets of having a doctor as a boyfriend. Well, he doesn’t regret the Oliver- part of it, but the doctor-part of it. Slumped, Elio walks towards the black piano, and sits down on chair in front of it. For a while, he just rests his head against the cold material but eventually starts to play the piano with careful touches. He doesn’t stop when his fingers are aching, nor does he stop when his back is starting to kill him for sitting on a hard chair too long. He hears the front door opening, but he doesn’t stop.

Eventually a blond man comes to a living room, with a soft smile on his lips.

“How long have you been playing again?”

Elio doesn’t answer, instead focuses on playing the part where he always messes up, despite the fact that he has played this song many times in his life.

“This is such a sad song”, Oliver continues, but at the same time gives up and sits in front of Elio on their beige couch. He knows when Elio plays, he doesn’t speak. That’s one of the many reasons what Oliver loves in Elio; he concentrates so deeply once he starts something.

They sit there in silence, Oliver closing his eyes and focusing on Elio’s perfect playing, not making any mistakes. He can feel Elio’s melancholy through the piano and the way he plays it, but doesn’t ask any questions, not yet. Instead once opening his eyes, he stares at his boyfriend and finally the song comes to an end.

Elio raises his head, and gives Oliver a small smile, then quickly stands up and _crawls crawls crawls_ in Oliver’s lap, almost like he’s trying to get inside of him, to be part of him. Oliver happily wraps his arms around the smaller man’s figure and kisses the top of his head. They don’t speak. Instead Elio nuzzles on Oliver’s neck, and inhales. Oliver chuckles, and kisses the mop of curls again.

“I read the book you gave me.”

Oliver hums. “What did you think?”

“There’s so many things I don’t know”, Elio says quietly, with such a small voice that Oliver feels like his heart is getting ripped in pieces. He is immediately back in Italy, when Elio was 17 years old, and still managed to feel so… grown up. _I know nothing, Oliver._ Yet he does.

“It’s okay. I don’t either.” Elio either agrees or just stays quiet, sighing against Oliver’s neck.

The thing is, Elio isn’t sure what he’s feeling. He’s happy, so extremely happy, but at the same time he’s _terrified._ What if he messes up? What if one day Oliver just decides that this isn’t what he wants, and finds someone else, someone more mature, someone _better?_ Despite being 26 years old, Elio is feeling like a little child with so many questions that he can’t put them on words. He remembers when he actually was a child, he felt ashamed and stupid if he didn’t know things. He was curious, and learned to read at age five. He read and read, but eventually he understood that all that was just book smartness. He didn’t know _anything_ about the things that actually mattered in life.

“I can hear you thinking, stop for a while.” Oliver’s voice brings him back to this moment, and he hears Oliver chuckle. Elio raises his head, and looks deep in his boyfriend’s eyes. He finds nothing but love, and for a while Elio feels okay. It’s going to be okay.

 

 

 

Except it’s not, Elio thinks a few weeks later. He is freaking out. Like, literally and actually freaking out. They’re at the small and crowded waiting room with Oliver and their surrogate, Oliver’s sister Tracy. Tracy is four years younger than Oliver, yet they still have a great bond, which Elio can’t understand as being the only child of their little family. She has the same eyes as Oliver, loving and caring. She rests her hand on her tiny baby bump, wincing a little when changing position.

“Are you sore?” Oliver asks with worry in his voice. Tracy chuckles softly. “I have been sore since this baby started growing.” Her voice is filled with affection, and Elio watches her carefully. Basically it’s his and Tracy’s baby, which feels awfully weird. Elio still can’t understand that there’s actually a _baby_ in there. His DNA. Sometimes Elio wonders that when the time comes and the baby is born, will Tracy want to keep the baby after all. He has read about mother instinct, it’s all in the books Oliver keeps handing him to read.

“I have to pee _all the time_ , it’s actually tiring me out”, Tracy continues, and for a second Elio feels guilty, as it’s his fault Tracy is feeling uncomfortable.

Oliver is asking all the questions. Elio tries, but when he opens his mouth, nothing comes out.

“Any new cravings?” Oliver asks, and Tracy laughs. Her laugh is just the same as Oliver’s.

“No, just pickles. I could honestly eat them all day!”

Elio starts to feel claustrophobic. He excuses himself quickly, then basically runs to the bathroom and locks the door. He’s shaking and the tears threats to fall. He can’t do this. He _can’t._

Oliver looks after his boyfriend with furrowed brows. Tracy does the same.

“Is he okay?” Tracy asks softly, and Oliver sighs, running hands down his face.

“Honestly, I don’t know. He’s been like this for a couple of weeks now. He’s clingy, and at the same time it feels like I can’t fully reach him. Like he’s trapped inside his own mind.”

Tracy nods, and rests her hand on Oliver’s thigh. “Maybe he is.”

Tracy is called inside the examination room, and she gets up carefully. “You better go after him, Oliver”, she says and follows the nurse inside the room. The door of the room closes quietly, and Oliver sighs. He stands up, and walks in front of the bathroom door where Elio is.

“Elio?” he whispers. Oliver can hear the shuffling of his feet, like Elio is walking in circles.

“Elio?” he asks a bit louder this time, and the shuffling stops. The door is unlocked, then slowly opened. Olives steps inside the bathroom, and locks the door behind him.

Elio looks absolutely wrecked. His eyes are red rimmed, like he has been crying. His hair an uncontrolled mop of curls and he’s slumped.

“You missed the appointment again.” Oliver doesn’t mean to sound harsh, but the way Elio winces he knew he hit the sore spot.

“I know.”

“You haven’t been there at all, not once”, Oliver continues.

_“I know.”_

Oliver studies Elio a but more, and tries to look him in the eyes. Elio stubbornly stares his own feet.

“Do you not want this baby, Elio?” Oliver asks softly. He fears the answer, doesn’t really want to know the answer, but at the same time he must know.

At that Elio’s head snaps up, and he looks _hurt._ Like Oliver just hurt him at the worst way of possible. “Of course I want this baby, Oliver.” His voice is small and harsh at the same time. Like he can’t believe the question Oliver just asked.

“Then what is it? Is it Tracy? Is it _me?_ Did I do something wrong or-”

“No, Oliver. No”, Elio whispers and turns his head away from Oliver’s pleading ones. Oliver sighs deeply, and walks closer to his lover. His _boyfriend_ who he so deeply loves.

“Please, Elio”, Oliver whispers and Elio sniffles. He can’t stand the idea of hurting Oliver by his own stupid, _stupid_ things. He’s feeling like a child again, and he hates it. He just hates it.

“Oliver”, Elio says back, and now he can feel the sadness radiating from Oliver.

“You need to _speak_ Elio. You can’t assume I can instantly tell what’s wrong if you don’t talk”, Oliver says defeated.

Elio stays quiet, because how does one say things aloud? It’s like he can’t literally put his thoughts on words. His head hangs low, not meeting Oliver’s eyes, again. Oliver sighs, _again_.

“I’m gonna go with Tracy. You stay here and sulk or you come with me”, Oliver says, hurt clearly on his voice. Elio feels trapped. He so much wants to go and be normal about this, but at the same time he just can’t. He can’t go and feel stupid over things he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to feel like a child.

Oliver lets out a noise of frustration, and steps out of the bathroom. Elio stands there, watches as his boyfriend walks away, and it feels like hundreds of knives stabbed into his ribs.

 

 

When Oliver steps out of the room with Tracy, he immediately looks for Elio. Once he realizes he’s not there, he instinctively squeezes the ultrasound picture the nurse gave him just a minutes ago. It’s _their_ baby, and Elio is not there to share this moment with him. He feels empty.

Tracy notices the gesture, and grabs Oliver by his hand.

“You really need to talk to him”, she says.

“I know. It’s just- he doesn’t talk. He’s not much of a talker”, Oliver says back. He hears Tracy sighing.

“He is and you know that, but you must remember that he’s different from you. He needs a little push to talk. You _know_ that.”

Oliver does, but this is different. It’s like Elio’s been building walls around himself over the past few weeks and Oliver doesn’t know how to be close to him anymore.

“He doesn’t want this baby with me”, Oliver continues. He knew it hurt, but once spoken out loud the pain feels thousand times worse.

“Did he say that?” Tracy asks. She’s so much more like their mother; the voice of sense. She’s always calm and systematic, while Oliver is more impulsive and sensitive like their father was. Sometimes he hates it, but now it just feels calming.

“Well no, but I’ve known him for almost ten years; I think I know the signs of him being uncomfortable”, Oliver responds, and squeezing his sister’s hand softly. Tracy lets out a breath.

“Just try to talk to him.”

 

 

When Oliver steps inside his and Elio’s apartment, he can sense that everything is not okay. Usually there’s soft piano playing in their living room, or a sound of record playing in their stereo at the office when Elio is reading his music. Now there’s nothing. Even the lights are out.

Oliver carefully places the ultrasound picture on their kitchen table, as well as his coat.

“Elio?” he carefully shouts. He checks that Elio is home, which is confirmed by the shoes that lays in the middle of the floor. Oliver always nags to Elio about them, but now it feels like the shoes are the smallest things to worry about right now. He doesn’t get an answer, so he walks to their bedroom door, and opens it. He can see Elio there, even in the darkness, laying on their bed, shaking. Even though Oliver is angry, he can’t help but worry about his upset lover.

“Elio?” he asks again as he carefully sits beside Elio on the bed. The ugliest kind of sobs rib through Elio’s body, and Oliver puts a hand on Elio’s arm.

“ _I’m sorry”_ , Elio sobs out, putting his hands of his own face like he’s embarrassed to be upset.

“Elio, you know you can talk to me”, Oliver whispers, stroking Elio’s arm softly. Elio doesn’t answer, which irritates Oliver more and more as the time passes between them.

“I don’t know what your problem is, but right now I’m feeling like a parent with a stubborn child, so could you just _speak_?”

At that Elio’s head snaps up, and suddenly there’s no more sadness but anger. Pure anger, which kind of startles Oliver. Elio is usually a very calm person.

“I’m not a child”, Elio spits out, and shrugs Oliver’s hand off.

Oliver raises his eyebrows. “Yes, I know, but right now it feels like it.”

“I’m _not_ a child! You can’t use that against me anymore, Oliver! I know I’m younger, and I know I don’t know some things that maybe you do, but that does not make me a child!”

Elio’s harsh tone sets anger to Oliver’s stomach, like he can’t control himself anymore.

“Then why are you shouting like a child?! Couldn’t we just talk like _real adults_ -”

Elio stands up.

“Like _real adults?!_ What does that mean? That because I’m younger than you I can’t be _a real adult?”_

“Oh c’mon, you know that’s not the way meant it!” Oliver is shouting now too, and the fight goes on.

“Then how did you mean it? You need to understand that I need more time on adjusting things than you, you can’t just assume-”

“If your talking about the baby, we’ve had _13 weeks_ time adjusting to that! Oh but the _oh so sensitive Elio_ must have his own time, and not to think about at all what his boyfriend, for example, is going through!” This is what Oliver was talking about, when he said he’s more impulsive than Tracy. He hates it.

“You’ve had it easier! She’s _your_ sister!”

“Oh I have it easier? It’s your sperm you used, for God’s sake, the baby is not even gonna be mine!”

“Is that the problem? That the baby is not gonna be biologically yours? Well you should have gotten married to that woman and make babies with her, then! I didn’t come here to be a rebound boy!”

Oliver stops, and for a while it’s dead silence, like neither of them can really understand what just happened.

A realization of what he just said comes to Elio’s features, and before he can say anything, Oliver raises a hand and stops him.

Without thinking, he grabs his back bag and starts to put clothes and stuff in there.

“What are you doing?” Elio’s panicked voice asks, but Oliver can’t answer. If he does, he’ll say things he’ll regret more than anything.

“Oliver, what are you doing? Please”, Elio continues, but Oliver closes the zip and walks away from the room.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean _any_ of those things, please! Oliver!”

Oliver is putting on his shoes, and Elio goes on. “Please, don’t go. _Please. Don’t._ _Don’t leave._ _”_

Elio looks so broken, so defeated that it stops Oliver for a second. He knows they both need to cool off so calmly he says: “I’m sorry” and steps out of the door.

 

 

Elio’s mind is spiraling. He can’t breathe. It’s like all the time has stopped in the world as he slides down against their cabinet. Oliver has left him, _left him,_ and it’s all his fault. He and his stupid insecurities. Maybe he is a child after all. As he sees himself in a mirror in front of him, without a second thought he punches the mirror, _hard._ The mirror shatters. He can’t feel the pain, but he feels something warm dripping on his trousers.

Outside the apartment, where Oliver had stayed in a bit to take a breath, he hears a loud _crash_ and then awful sobbing. For a while Oliver thinks that he really needs to go and cool off properly, but the thought of Elio being hurt, not only emotionally but physically, makes Oliver to open the door. The sobbing stops as Elio looks up to him.

“Oliver. I’m so sorry, please believe me, I’m sorry”, Elio’s rambling, and as Elio reaches out to touch him, he sees that his knuckles are covered with blood.

“Jeez, you’re bleeding”, Oliver says and grabs Elio’s hand to his own. Elio keeps apologizing when Oliver takes him to bathroom and puts Elio’s hand under the streaming water. He doesn’t really listen Elio’s rambling, but the last sentence catches his attention.

_“I thought you would leave me again.”_

As the realization of how all this must have seemed to Elio hits Oliver, it feels like someone is punching all the air out of him. He feels such a deep ache, that the first instinct for Oliver to do is to wrap arms around Elio and just _squeeze_. The panic Elio must have felt when Oliver stepped out of that door is eating Oliver alive.

They stand there for a very long time, Elio resting his head on Oliver’s shoulder. They aren’t crying, just breathing in sync, like they are the same person. Oliver thinks, that maybe they are.

“I’m sorry, Elio”, he whispers and Elio sighs.

“Please don’t do that ever again”, Elio answers and Oliver lets out a strangled noise, between a laugh and a sob.

“I promise.”

Eventually they get out of the bathroom, where Oliver had cleaned the cuts and had put a bandage on Elio’s hand carefully, like he would break him if he touched too much. Oliver tells Elio to go to the bedroom as he starts to gather all the shattered mirror pieces from the floor. When he’s ready, he follows Elio to the bedroom, where Elio is sitting at the edge of Oliver’s side. Silently Oliver sits next to him.

“Wanna get under the covers?” Oliver asks then, and he feels Elio nodding. They take out their clothes, and crawl under the sheets.

A street lamp’s light outside that allows Oliver to see Elio’s face, and he brings his hand to rest on Elio’s cheek.

“I think I’m scared”, Elio says, and Oliver nods.

“I’m scared of not being enough. Every time you bring me another book or when I don’t get a chance to ask questions from Tracy it just feels like I’m being stupid and childish for not knowing anything.”

“I don’t think you as a child Elio-”

“I know, Oliver. I do know. But it’s this insecurity of mine of not knowing things.”

“Elio, you are the most smartest person I know. The most smartest. Not just book smart, you are _smart_. You know more about things that you can guess. You take my breath away every time you tell me something I didn’t know. Because you know so many things”, Oliver said, almost whispering. He watches tears forming in Elio’s eyes.

“I do want this baby with you. Sometimes I just feel like your gonna get bored of me, that one day you’ll realize this was the most stupid thing you have ever done and I can’t even give you a proper family-”

“But you are. You are giving me a proper family, we’re going to have a baby together. Yeah, it might not me biologically mine, but it’s still _ours_. It’s already enough for me. I’m not gonna get bored of you, Elio”, Oliver says back.

“What if I fail as being a parent?” Elio asks, and Oliver just has to kiss him firmly on the lips before answering.

“You’re gonna be the most amazing parent ever.”

Elio smiles, and if person can fall in love again and deeper, Oliver is doing it right now.

“How about you come next month with me and Tracy to the examination room and finally see our baby?” Oliver asks then, gently stroking Elio’s cheek with his thumb.

Elio nods and softly kisses Oliver on the mouth. The kiss starts innocently, but before they know, they’re panting on each other’s mouths and rolling their hips together, both extremely hard. The fight is long forgotten.

Elio comes first, panting when Oliver finally stills too, and shudders against him. When they’ve both caught their breaths, Oliver kisses Elio again.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“The ultrasound picture is in the kitchen.”

Oliver has never seen Elio getting out of the bed as fast as he does now. He laughs.


End file.
